Either, Or

Ca, CA

Uh, OH

Getting HI

Way to Go, CAL

Before we get to this week's contest, the czar wishes to make a somewhat uncharacteristic announcement, inasmuch as he is not ordinarily known for his humility or willingness to admit error. Having just returned from an extended vacation in West Virginia, the czar hereby condemns and disavows all deprecatory humor that in the past may have appeared in this space at the expense of that noble state, which is a tableau of rolling vistas of indescribable beauty and filled with smart, funny, friendly people as well as other fabulous things, many of which have now been purchased as Style Invitational prizes. This week's contest was suggested by Thomas Sudbrink, of Washington, who wins a fancy disposable West Virginia Styrofoam car spittoon. Tom suggests that you create a fictional city to be humorously paired with a real state abbreviation. Any commonly used abbreviation will be acceptable. First-prize winner gets a genuine framed poster advertising the annual Tucker Co., W.Va., Hick Festival, featuring an ox roast, a women's crosscut saw competition, an ax-throwing contest, a turkey-calling contest and, of course, the annual coon chase.

Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style Invitational losers' T-shirts. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper stickers. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style Invitational, Week 130, The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, fax them to 202-334-4312, or submit them via the Internet to this address: losers@access.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate "Images/circlei3.gif" border=0>Washington Post and their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 127, in which you were asked to explain the uses for any of these five gadgets. But first, a special message to the readers from the publisher of The Washington Post:

"On behalf of The board of directors, I would like to apologize for the auxiliary czar's ceaseless, unseemly sniping at the incumbent czar, an individual so universally beloved that any criticism of him is tantamount to slander of every man, woman and child in our circulation area. The Washington Post regrets the offense. The perpetrator will be punished and held personally accountable for any lasting damage done to my, I mean The Czar's, reputation. Thank you."

+ Third Runner-Up: (Cartoon 5) Arguing that smoking is safe, the Tobacco Institute compares the traditional, benign cigar with this "really, really bad cigar." (Bill Szymanski, Vienna)

+ Second Runner-Up: (Cartoon 2) Miss Daisy, driving her shofar. (Bobbie Miller, Laytonsville)

+ First Runner-Up: (Cartoon 1) The gourmand super-hero Fatman, with his utility belt. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)

+ And the winner of the macrame clock:

(Cartoon 4) On top of spaghetti / All covered with cheese, / I lost my poor meatball / When somebody sneezed. / But now I can find it / In one to ten days / Because my "On-Board Meatball Radio Tracking Device"/ has now been engaged.

(Kevin P. Riley, Silver Spring)

Honorable Mentions:

(1)

New sports fad: Zen fishing. Practitioner stands patiently on the beach until a fish leaps up and impales itself on the fork.

(Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Original, discarded design for the forklift. (Lorraine Jacobs, New York)

Hate to see those potentially tasty sea gulls that die in mid-flight go to waste? Well . . . (Leigh Ann Mazure, Grant Town, W.Va.)

Collect all eight celebrity corncob holders. Pictured: Ernest Borgnine (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Fred misunderstood what the New York cabby told him to do. (Alison Kamat, Washington)

Emily Litella's husband demonstrates the prototype of the tanning fork. (Alison Kamat, Washington)

Harpoonmaster. Next time you go barracuda fishing, use yourself as bait! (Marty Madden, Prince Frederick)

(2)

A handy scoop to pick up fallen mah jongg tiles.

(Paul Styrene, Olney)

The most effective contraceptive yet. (Leigh Anne Mazure, Grant Town, W.Va.)

A Metamucil dowser. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

A shoe horn. (Ed Walters, Chicago)

(3)

Mrs. Unabomber slips into something sexy on Saturday night. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

New, improved truth-in-packaging graduation hats for Yale Law School. (Barbara Sollner-Webb, Baltimore)

During the Cold War, some spies had to make do with WWII ordnance instead of poison pills. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Iraqi land mine: When invading, godless Yankees see one of these alluring female decoys; they will attempt to dance with it, causing the pin to become dislodged and the bomb to explode. (John Kammer, Herndon)

A Skylab hat, briefly popular in the mid-1970s. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

The Sri Lankan nuclear program was hindered by its primitive delivery system.

(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

(4)

Based on the success of the Maxwell Smart Shoe Phone, the Booger Satellite Link is an invaluable piece of modern spy equipment.

(John P. Mulville, Vienna)

Johnnie L.. Cochran unveils his latest scientific monitoring device, which proves beyond a reasonable doubt that O.J.'s poop does not stink. (Bill Szymanski, Vienna)

George Washington Carver's peanut butter-powered depilatory machine.

(Kevin Mellema, Falls Church)

New, for you satellite-dish-equipped lumpy blobs everywhere -- your own personal human-shaped display stand! (Leigh Anne Mazure, Grant Town, W.Va.)

Aldrich Ames's son's Bumble Ball.

(Bob and Lis Cascella, Falls Church)

The Mallomar Observatory.

(Paul Kondis, Alexandria)

(5)

R.J. Reynolds proudly introduces a new and improved nicotine delivery system for those unable to inhale. (Saul S. Singer, Washington)

Johnnie L. Cochran and his smoke-blowing device. (Jeannette Bunting, Leonardtown, Md.)

Why Castro wasn't fooled by the CIA's exploding cigar. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

Feminazi design for a male urethra scope.

(Hugh Richards, Gaithersburg)

+ And Last: Something the winner of Week 127 will be happy to trade his macrame clock for. (Barbara Sollner-Webb, Baltimore)